The Twilight Saga: New Moon has already made a bajillion dollars over the weekend due to crazy Twilight fans.  But is it actually any good?  That’s what I set out to find out by sitting through all 2 hours of it.

She's adorable

First of all yes I’ve read the books.  You can’t properly insult something without actually reading it and so I wound up reading the whole series.  Hate reading pretty much.  Also I saw the first Twilight movie.  My review of that can be summed up as “worst movie ever”.  I actually only bothered to see it because I think Kristen Stewart is extremely cute.

Anyway for this second movie they went and got themselves a new director.  I don’t think directing was entirely the first movie’s problem, but hey maybe it’d do something.

Oh I’m skipping over the plot synopsis for those of you that don’t know.  It’s ok, it’s so batshit insane and nonsensical that you’re not missing much.  In fact that’s one of the first complaints I have about this movie.  Basically if you didn’t read the book you would have absolutely no clue what was happening ever.  They didn’t even try to properly lay out this movie as a separate entity that maybe a newcomer could enjoy.  You’d also be lost if you didn’t see the first movie.  While they have two flashes back to that movie, you’d have no clue as to what importance they had.  Guys we know exposition is boring but you need some somewhere.  Seriously.

This movie just played out as a wet dream for the girls who enjoyed the books.  It featured the two male leads shirtless (as naked as they could get and still get that PG-13), especially the werewolf who was almost always minus shirt.  And the entire thing just felt like recreating scenes that people who read the books but didn’t have the imagination to imagine themselves needed to see.

Ashley Greene

The writing stayed oddly close to the source material.  Too close.  It’s a horrible book.  Why can hollywood go and totally change brilliant source material into horrible movies but they have to be faithful to this shit?  It’s disgusting.  The acting too was horrific.  It’s like no one was even trying to act.  And I won’t even get started on how this whole thing is just demeaning to women in general.

There are some positives.  If you watch this while mildly intoxicated you’ll have a great time laughing at the absurdity of various points in the movie.  Like who gets a paper cut from wrapping paper? Or you might enjoy mr. vampire pretty much ejaculating in his pants during a very tame kiss.  If that doesn’t do it for you, how about the insanely bad CGI wolves? Or the fact that whenever she has a bad dream Bella (Kristen Stewart) apparently screams like she’s being murdered.  Also for the guys you can enjoy Ashley Greene, who in the movie looks nothing like that picture, but is still quite cute.

Overall stay away from this unless dared or intoxicated.